School became a chore for me, Not because I was not able to do the work, but because tho passing was important, but delving into the world of knowledge outside The Organization was, As they would say, "Frowned Upon". Now this did not mean that if ya went to college you would be disfellowshipped, or Shunned by your family or friends, it meant that you would be less than good association. Now in looking back I see that it was more about the wrong kind of Knowledge. The kind of Knowledge that might make you Question a Teaching or Doctrine that the Governing Body put forth as "food in due season". And if you question The Governing Body or The Organization, you were conditioned to believe you were questioning God. And Questioning God was Blasphemous, THAT resulted in Disfellowshipping..
For you to completely Understand what that means let me paint a picture for you. As you grow from infancy you become dependent on the people around you. Your family, friends, and your life is wrapped up in the existence of this support system. Within the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, you are taught these are the only people worthy of Salvation. All others are "Bad association" that spoils Useful Habits. People who are not Witnesses are demonized for you, anyone who is not at the hall regularly, goes out in service, or is at conventions is evil, and the "Air" of the worldly System of things. These people will be done away with at Armageddon. It does not matter if someone is your brother, sister mother daughter son aunt or uncle. If they are not a Witness we were instructed to "Quit Mixing with them". If you at any time question The Organization you are chastised for being a "Freethinker” Something Ii once cringed at is now a compliment for me.
The only literature that we are instructed to use is Publications from the Watchtower Bible and tract Society (From here on out WBTS) If you are found to be reading any other material. You are Counselled and if you refuse to stop doing independent Research you are Disfellowshipped and Marked and Apostate. This is the worst Title ever given in the WBTS, the very mention of it is the same as saying heretic or Heathen.. If you at any time commit any number of sins sanctioned by the WBTS you are then Brought before a Judicial Committee of Elders..
Now to clarify what I mean by any Number of sins.. Here are just a few. Masturbation, drug use, Idolatry (this includes hero worship like a teen pining over a Rock star, or a boy idolizing a Sports Star), Apostasy, Adultery (this includes a wife who masturbates and is caught by her hubby and the Reverse), theft, Fornication, Even if you give your wife oral pleasure.. You can be counselled and Disfellowshipped. Smoking cigarettes, over drinking, Basically the 7 deadly sins anything that is a sub sin and any kind of opposition to what the Watchtower taught. For a non Jehovah’s Witness the consequences of some of these things only really affect them personally. But if you are accused, (a witness to the Crime tells the elders) you are brought up to a judicial committee, which I will shed more light on later. For now all ya need to know is that is a group of 3 elders who call you into private. Just you and them. they talk to you and then counsel you and send you away so they can talk. Those three brothers decide your fate because if you are brought forth for example as a smoker, and they do not feel you are being sincere in your repentance, they Disfellowship you. This means that all of those people, your family and friends and congregation of brothers and sisters are now to shun you. you are instructed to not even make eye contact. After all this could lead to a smile, then a "hello" then a Conversation. You are invisible to those who once cared for you. It devastates families, ruins Marriages and turned a persons once OVERLY Organized life to rubble. They have nothing to rely on. And as a newly Disfellowshipped one you are conditioned that you cannot even rely on yourself. You are the devils child. and worthy of nothing. However, if the brothers "Break" you, (yes this is a Real word used by them) if you are humbled and beg forgiveness of them, you may not suffer that fate. Your life your future rides on these 3 uneducated and average men.
OK I got away from myself there I just wanted to establish the dire consequences of even the slightest wrongdoing. So, to question the organization's ideals taking in Knowledge, Was enough to mark you. I was Urged by my parents every year to seek spiritual Knowledge.. The Meetings, field service and Assemblies were emphasized. I was told only to strive to pass my classes to get out of the "Air of the world" in the public school System. This my mother tried to speed up in my 6th year of school.
Now in her defense it was not the only reason. I was different. In school we are the oddballs. I came home bruised or battered, covered in some new weird substance. the kids picked on me constantly and I was suffering as well emotionally. My mother took me out and Home schooled me. This left more time for meetings and field Service so I Pioneered when I wasn't doing school work. It wasn't a BAD experience. I did well and I passed my 6th through Calvert School home study course. Mom set up our mud room like a classroom, A chalkboard desk books and everything I needed to get the full classroom experience. She forgot one vital element, other kids my age.
I became more introverted and could not even deal with people at the hall. Mysterious Illnesses made it hard for me to go to the meetings but I went anyway. I developed an allergy to perfumes. The Brothers announced from the stage that they wanted to ask the sisters and brothers to stop wearing cologne so that I could attend the meetings. Great now I was odd to the Only other people I had the opportunity to associate with. The summer before my 7th year I begged my mom to send me back to school. I saw what was happening to me and I missed my "worldly Friends" though, didn't say it to her that way. Back to school I went!
I was determined to be liked in school. I stopped Preaching to my peers and just hung out. Did my school work and actually cared about my grades. I befriended the 2 or 3 people who later showed me the goodness where I was told there was only Evil. In this time i tried smoking, skipped school a couple times, and generally started my Rebel without a cause stage. I absorbed as much knowledge as I could from school and expanded what I let myself see in the people around me. It was an awakening for me. By 14 or 15 I was very interested in sexuality. I would go to the library to read medical books and Romance novels. Just to see what "sex" was all about. this made me more aware of my body, its reactions to the opposite sex and how my body could give me pleasure. This woke in me more questions. I remember the moment i realized sex was a good thing. Regardless of how much it was Demonized by the WBTS.
I like any kid of that age was curious about my body. although I had no idea how to give myself pleasure, trial and error seemed to be doing just fine. Until one night error turned into a explosion of correct! I knew nothing about my body other than what felt good still afraid of what people said was sin and what my body was telling me was wonderful and screamed that there was more to be had.
I would usually fall asleep exploring my genitals. Before bed it relaxed me and I was desperately trying to find even a moment of peace, when I can shut everything around me off. This particular night Ii had Managed to sneak a Penthouse into my bedroom. It was given to me by a friend at school. I had been asking her questions about sex. She was very open to me about her favorite sexual activity.
“I love it when he eats me,” she said squirming in her chair and looking around making sure no one was close enough to hear “his tongue feels almost like I am peeing myself”
Intriguing! I thought to myself. As I was reading an article in the magazine, There were some words I had never heard but I understood what they were doing. He was pleasuring her orally and the descriptive quality was, to me at that time, perfect. My hands were where they should be if you are a person with, what have learned, is a normal sense of sexuality. simply sliding along my lips wiggling gently. Those words were meant to incite and arouse, and that is what they did.
As pathetic a event as it is now to me because of experience and first hand Knowledge, I remember how good I felt. I felt the electricity moved through me and I exploded. It felt so amazing and my toes tingled. I rolled over onto my side and panted. I didn't even know what to call it. I knew the word orgasm but I didn't know that that is what they meant. I remember my inner monologue at the time. "Oh my what happened? Did I hurt myself? It felt so good. Was that a Orgasm?" I laid there and reveled in the feelings I was having, warmth, tingling, release, and peace. For that whole time nothing else around me existed. needless to say the following months I got many comments on how I was going to bed so early. And then the "spontaneous" talk my mom had with me on sexuality, and Masturbation. I remember it I can still smell the Pine scented air freshener in the car as we drove to the store, My mother, sister and I.
It was a scene out of a "How to talk to your kids about (insert issue here)" After school special. I do not even remember how the conversations started, I only remember my mental reaction, which incidentally, was not the same as my outward one. My mother spoke for a while and then courageously told me that even she has had to struggle with it. That my father had realized she would Masturbate and they went to the elders. She had to learn to curb her fleshly desires. My sister piped in and said "well then I guess I had better stop that"
Outwardly I expressed thanks for them sharing and then went silent in my mind saying "fuck you, It's my body God gave us our bodies, then I will do it!” Nothing was ever mentioned again. over the years my restraint in exploring this side of me weakened. A single Grenade from my mother blew it away.
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