Loss of Virginity, total loss of innocence.

Are you ready for it.  The Abused becomes the abuser (So to speak).  There are allot of things I am ashamed of not that I regret anything.  Everything I did made me who I am today, and I am proud of that woman.  Strong and confident and sure of who she is and what she wants out of life.  Hard as it will be to admit to some of the things I have done.  I will do it because if I will speak truth it will be about all of it,  Everything.   Some people who leave The Organization do it later in life.  After they are established in life have a job or career.  Some, like me, do not.  I was reinstated, but I knew it was not for good.  I didn't believe what I was being taught.  

  Working at the Mini Mart gave me a much better chance to get out and about.  I was 17 or 18 now and why not go ahead and check the world out?  There were old friends. people I went to school with who I started hanging out with.   They basically used me to get extra money for booze.    but I was excited to have "friends"  and I went along with the ride.  During this time I started having some weird symptoms.    I was out among people allot more than I was used to and panic attacks became a regular thing.  Now I had always associated panic attacks with people clutching their chest like they are having a heart attack.

   Me  I would become DRENCHED with sweat.   My skin felt as if it was being walked on by a million ants and I just wanted to run and hide.   Sometimes I would lock myself in the bathroom I was a mess.   This didn't happen very often,  In the beginning,  but I had weird time loss I would wake up on the bathroom floor or pass out and wake up 12 hours later in bed.  I really attributed it to god punishing me for not being truthful with my family and my congregation.  I was still smoking,  and seeking love and acceptance.

  One day I met a man at the store..  he was BEAUTIFUL!  Mathew, was 15 years my elder but he was so smart, a artist, a thinker, and handsome.  Long dirty blond hair dangerous eyes he glided into the store one night on the 3rd shift was me alone in the store bought me a ice cream cone and grinned.   Lets have ice cream you know you want one!  We talked for a long time  I learned he was a Artist. Painting mostly.  But he loved music and the human mind.  He was lovely so handsome reminded  me of a lion.  Long blond hair blue eyes even his eyebrows were a Little longer than most people.   Furry and handsome!  Over the next few weeks he came in at the same time when I worked.  Sometimes in and out other times he stayed and chatted with me.  

  I had the worst crush on him.  For some reason he became my goal.  I wanted him.  I wanted to feel something more than alone.  I Pursued him and eventually he invited me to his house on a Friday.  Said there would be some people there and I could maybe make some friends.   Things I remember about Matt I know now shaped my personality a bit.   My love for strong coffee,  poetry, art, music, and good Intellectual intercourse.  

  Matt introduced me to that exchange.  Intellectual exchange.  There are different kinds i have learned.  Just like actual sex.   Intellectual Intercourse is a great sharing.  But there are some who will rape your mind,  this I learned long before I even left the Organization first time.   So I went home from work that morning and I slept until 7 pm.  being as I was a 3rd shifter I was a night owl.  I showered and Drove to his house.  Now keep in mind I was not disfellowshiped at this time I had been reinstated and I was still hiding my "Second Life"  So as I drove past his home I decided I should leave my car in the State park nearby.  A Lakeside park very pretty and I walked about half a mile to his house.  When I got there he was in the shower.  His roommate Jose was wandering around the house and let me in.   I liked him instantly too.  He offered me a beer. (not asking my age)  I took it and sat down.. 

"Matt is in the shower" he said as he walked to the bathroom door  "want a peek?"  he laughed and jiggled the door knob and Matt asserted that the room was occupied through falling water and I laughed.  Jose was from Costa Rica.  Very sexy Latino with a great sense of humor.  When Matt Finally came out of the shower he was wrapped in a towel and i have to say.  I felt that...  tingle.  Wet his hair sticking to his shoulders and back.  Jose Noticed my reaction and after Matt went into the bedroom he nudged me.

"So you like Matt?"  giggled to himself mumbling something in Spanish  "Well he has a woman coming over tonight he has been after I just thought you might wanna know."  he got up and started tooling around the house as he talked to me.  I felt hurt but I was OK.  I had no claim to him,  not that I didn't want one.   Matt knew I wanted him I had told him.  I had already broken down and told him I really just didn't want to be a virgin anymore.  I wanted to know what sex was and I didn't care about relationships.  I then realized him having me over was to solidify that he would not oblige me.  By meeting this woman I would then back off him.  

  When she got there later.  I watched as she came in the room.  She had a child with her,  the cutest Little kid with the most intelligent eyes I had seen in a child.  She introduced herself to me and we talked.  As much as I wanted to HATE this woman I couldn't.  Her and Matt paired off and hung out which left me in a armchair talking to her son Brian and Jose.  I had a little bit to drink, I wasn't Drunk but it definitely loosened my tongue and I opened up to Jose.  I told him everything I told Mathew,  and he looked at me with a crooked smile.

  "Wait?  Let me get this straight.  A Virgin wants to fuck Matt and he turned it down?"  Now before I continue,  I need you to know I can see that its possible,  even probable that Jose saw a possibility for easy sex.  A Young woman who just wants to have sex.  No Relationships, so I know that was there.  I even knew it then.  But Regardless of the obvious he was good to me.  "I have no idea why he won't just do that for you."

"Maybe he don't wanna use me?"  I said,  and downed the last of my beer, continuing to tell him about my family religion and life.  He told me I could come back any time and hang out.  And I did a few times,  one night my whole world changed.  Now when people talk about their first sexual experience it always is a change in their life.  For me it changed more than my personal status as a sexual woman.  It slipped my mind into overdrive.  I fell from grace in a big way and I Shattered as I hit the bottom.  

  One day Mathew called me and said he had an idea and that I should come by and see him and Zoe (The woman I met at his house weeks before).  When I got there he was making 

"Poor Man's Coffee"  Pouring boiling water thru a strainer full of coffee.  It was some good brew.  He told me about a House that had been bought a bed and breakfast and they were renting out rooms.  We went over to look at it and I fell in love with the place.  The downstairs had a Bar and huge dining room.  A old Victorian Mansion with a huge kitchen and 19 rooms upstairs.  each room had its own full bath.  I was in like Flynn!   I went to my parents to tell them I wanted to move out on my own.  They, of course,  objected and told me that again I was too Spiritually Weak.  That they couldn't help me if I moved out the way they could if I was living at home.  Impressing on me the importance of meetings and being a part of the organization and to be careful..  Not to slip too far away.   Funny thing is I was physically there.  Mentally I had slipped away 6 years ago at the assembly where i learned College was a tool of the devil.  Despite their urgings I moved out and into that House.  Matt, Zoe, and myself all at the same time.    It was good while it lasted. 

 I would go see Jose on occasion and I had friends in the new house.  Right now Names escape me.  There was a young couple with the cutest little boy.  And a middle aged man who ran the house.  collected rent and they were definitely  fun people.  After moving in me and Zoe became friends.  She was such a refreshing soul to me.  She was a Spiritualist, and was very open minded.  She was the bee to my blossom.  She helped me open up,  crack my shell.  In this she showed me another kind of relationship.  

  I had stopped going to the hall by now and I was living my life separate.  I started smoking pot and doing anything else that might be available.  I really felt I was worth nothing more.  If I needed anything and I could not afford it in the beginning I would ask my mother.  She was smart and if I needed food she got me food not money because i WOULD have spent it on the wrong things.

  During this time I was very mean to my parents.   Basically I wanted nothing to do with them because it was always a Lecture.  I continued working,  and every night I brought home pizzas for my roommates.  Still a virgin,  I started "dating"  first guy i dated was Aaron.  A Much older than me cab driver.   We played some,  and one night while we were playing I decided i would let him be my first Experience with sex.  This is when my world shattered.

  It didn't feel right,  he kissed me moving down my body.  That is all I remember.  His kind words and his gentle nature.  A flash,  Half like a dream the other half like a Nightmare.  I opened my eyes and saw my uncle,  a look of surprise on his face, and his false teeth falling out into my face.  Again nothing till I woke and saw him.  Sitting across from me in a chair with a towel to his face bloody and wide eyed.   He and I kinda drew apart.  How would you react to getting yer ass beat at a moment like that?    I broke up with him when I got in his car one day and saw a gun in the glove box.   It wasn't long before Jose and I started to "date"  It really wasn't dating but more friends hanging out.  Zoe and I got closer and she started to confide in me that Matt was scaring her.  He was threatened by her and I spending so much time together.  he even said he would wanted to We would sleep in her room with her cat who was forever in heat. 

   We would argue about who needed sex more.  Her or I,  She kept telling me its worse after you have it because it makes you want it more.  I insisted it was worse never having had it because u want to know so bad.  Between You and me,  its worse after.  *laughs*

  Matt would tell Zoe that i was more of a threat to their Relationship than any man could be.  Even stating to her he wanted to lock her in a house and strangle me with Piano wire..  (lets just say my illusions about Matt were shattered and we both started to watch each others back when it came to him)  Wasn't long before I realized he was right.  I loved Zoe,  and it was growing into more than friendship.  One night her and I went out and she got very drunk.  She was a small woman looked like a youthful Sophia from the show "Golden Girls"  She got so drunk that I had to help her into a bed in one of the rooms off the main house so she could rest a bit.   I carried her into the room and laid her down.  She giggled and seemed to pass out so I took off her glasses and tucked them into her purse slipping the whole thing under the blankets.  As I looked up she popped up and kissed me.  I kissed her back,  long and deeply and the same feelings stirred in me as when I had seen Matt come out of the bathroom in a towel.   She pulled back and I turned bright red.  "You're so beautiful Lilith, don't let anyone tell you different"  THEN she passed out.  Suddenly from behind me a chorus of people cheering and chanting "LESBOS!"  or "Girl on Girl YEAH!"   "Don't stop!"  Half Mortified and half loving the attention I went to party with everyone keeping a close watch on the room Zoe was in.

  I was a little afraid,  obvious questions popping up in my mind.  Am I a Lesbian?  No,  that's impossible,  I am attracted to Matt and Jose.   confused I went to see Jose.   In relating to him what had been going on with Matt and his Hatred of me, Zoe and the feelings she was bringing out in me he began to grin.

 "Maybe you are Bi?"  he asked.   Bi?  What is bi?  I asked him.  I had never heard of it and he explained it.  "Well someone who is Bi Sexual has attraction to both men and women.  I look at it as Double the chance at finding love"  he slipped closer on the couch and leaned against me his lips very close to my ear.  The warmth of his breath sending shivers over my body causing my skin to erupt in goose pimples.  "or Maybe you're just Bi-Curious?"  

 I looked up at him and smiled nervously part of me wanting to stand up and put space between us because I was afraid.  Not afraid of him,  but of what allowing myself to indulge in him could do to my life.  What if I attacked him just as I did the other guy?

   Just as all the possible outcomes of having sex with him started to fly through my head he kissed me.  I melted,  melted away to a pool of goo.   I was nervous,  but I let the moment happen.  He was very kind,  gentle and took his time.  I knew he didn't  "Love" me and I knew that at some level he was doing this because it was easy pickings but he also was doing it because he KNEW I wanted to.  I wanted to feel something other than fear of the future and disgust with myself.   Maybe to some degree i was sill rebelling.  The weeks before this he had confided in me as much as I him.  A woman he fell in love with, Carmen,  another Latino,  and the way he described her to me was with so much passion.   If he had been completely selfish in wanting to do this he would have done it long ago knowing I was willing and able.  But he didn't he respected me.  Now this is where things get.   Crazy.  I must remind you that this is very hard for me to relate.  The story may be choppy but that's because its that way in my mind.    

  We spent some time in the living room, he tested out different things still clothed and once I was comfy he took me into the bedroom.  Details not important right now.   What is important is this.  He was kind,  Telling me to breathe asking me several times if I was sure.   When he touched me I trembled,  I was excited, scared, hopeful,  and contemplating the after effects.  

 A Picture in a Young People Ask article came to mind on Fornication.  A girl sitting on a bed as a man half clothed walks out of the room leaving her in the dark.  A caption stating that many youths feel regret and Mortification after illicit sexual activity.  I closed my eyes and shook my head.  Again he asked me if I was sure and I grabbed him by his ears.  Looking at him square in the eye very aware of our bodies and his reactions to mine..

  "I never do anything I am not sure of, or am prepared to accept the consequence" He smiled and said something I later learned to love hearing from a strong man.

 "Good Girl"

  "are you ready?" he said  "this will hurt just take a deep breath and we will go slow"

  

"Back with you?  Let me up!"   My body felt sore,  Pain in places I didn't understand.  "What happened?"  He told me that I had blacked out and started screaming swinging at him and I had caught him in the face and bloodied his nose.  I told him what I remembered and he told me what he saw and heard.  He said I had started talking and acting like a scared little girl. Screaming for my mother.  Telling someone named "uncle Bill" to get away.  And that he restrained me because he was scared i would hurt myself or him.  Now again i will restate that He did not RUN away.  He didn't send me to the hospital or freak out.  He TALKED to me about it and suggested that I might want to seek some help.  He stuck with me for a long time.  He did the Opposite of what someone who was evil would do.   And yes We kept experimenting.   I was a shy one,  he would comment over and over that he thought it was both cute and sad that I couldn't look at him naked,  One day he helped me get over that.  He was in the shower and asked me to get him a towel.  When i brought it in the bathroom he was not in the shower and the door slammed behind me and he stood naked against the door.  He grinned at me and crossed his arms.

  "We are going to stay here until you can look at me and not be embarrassed."  it took  a hour and a half.  He was Divine.  Dark skin wet and glistening.  His body was toned and well kept.  It became obvious it excited him to be there naked and making me look.  I felt my face blush,  I couldn’t even look him in the eye.  I eventually walked up to him and hugged him thanking him for his patience,  and his understanding.  

Sometimes i would have the issues but others i was fine.  But Daily after that first encounter i had those memories resurface.  Sometimes I would wake up and not remember how I got there.  Or i would be covered in Burns,  cuts,  or bruises.  I came to on a bus once the Driver holding me against the seat while the police were on their way.  I had apparently freaked out and started attacking the man next to me on the bus.   Something was happening to me.  And my mind still captured by the WBTS started to wonder if I was suffering from a Demon Possession because of my sins.  

  My Anxiety got worse over time, I began  doing more than burning myself with cigarettes or lit matches.  Something I had done before.  Now i started cutting myself and learned That Zoe had the same issues.   She took me to a Mental health care Clinic and I got Started on counselling.  It happened so often that my parents started to worry.  My job suffered and i ended up losing it.  Which meant I would loose my place at the bed and Breakfast.   One day I had a very bad flashback,  This was the first for which i was completely aware and remembered it all.

  Even once it was over I could feel hands on me,  smell him and feel the pain of it after I was awake and I began to cry Hysterically.  Zoe came and got me and her and Matt took me to the Emergency room.  Matt wouldn't stay and Zoe had no way to get back home if he left so she left with him and said that my parents were on the way.  I was Scared!  Not my parents..  I knew what was coming I knew what they would say.

  They spent the time in the ER telling me I had brought all this on myself,  that my disobedience and lack of Spiritual food had weakened me and Satan had Gotten his hold.  My Father bitched about money and my mother was freaking out over the slashes on my arms and burns on my legs.  She had always assumed the marks on my legs were from Mosquito bites that i didn't stop itching.  She learned that day they weren't.  My father always bitched about money when one of us went to the ER.  I had a couple injuries in my life my father forced me to stay home and deal with that caused them to get worse.  He was always more worried about the money.   I was admitted to the Mental Ward at Jones Hill in jamestown NY.  Where i was started on medication and therapy.  I had a couple flashbacks there but for the most part I stayed to myself.  My mom came once or twice and brought me Literature from the Organization during that 2 week period.  And this wasn't the last time I would be admitted.  When I left it was in the care of my mother.  She came and picked me up and sat in the car reading my Discharge letters.  She saw on it that I had tested positive for pot and that they thought i had a drinking problem.   I got the lecture on bad association the i told you so about the dangers of the world.   She started home,  yelling at me for being so stupid and trusting the world.  She started saying things to me she didn't or wouldn't have known about.

  Matt,  Jose,  Things I was doing at the bed and breakfast that I had no idea how she knew.  When we got home my perfect little sister was there.  And her and i and mom sat in the living room and talked.  I tried to tell them about the flashbacks.  But i also knew from past exp that talking about them could bring out a flashback and I didn't want to do that in front of them.  And then my sister asked me.  "I have just one question"  

Now keep in mind this whole conversation was done in a "I Told you so" kinda way.  there was no apparent love.  There was only the "Discipline and Mental Regulating of Jesus Christ"  Meaning the whole Idea of breaking a person so they will repent and beg forgiveness.   This also was a time before Therapy and Psychology were recognized as anything but excuses by the org.  I was told repeatedly during this time my problems were not emotional they were spiritual.  For a while i believed i was Possessed.

 I looked at Cheryl and asked "What question?"  She sat up tall with her smug good Lil JW girl attitude and said  "are you a virgin anymore?"   My mind raced.  Why would you ask that?  Where did that come from.  And I asked her those questions.  My mother interjected

  "Lilith we have our ways,  people who were concerned with your well being called.  We are grateful to them."  People called?  Who called you? I stopped and all the questions became irrelevant it didn't matter.  I found out later it was the owners of the house i Was staying in.  They had called my parents and told them I was doing bad things.  I looked at my sister and said

  "yes, I fucked and it was awesome" She stood up and flailed her arms around her.

  "you disgust me, your a slut!  do you care about what this is doing to our family?  To your relationship with Jehovah?"  

   Now in the next couple weeks I got a major scare.  I thought i was pregnant,  and I started to freak out.  The flashbacks were continuing even tho I was trying hard to suppress them.  My mother and sister that night gave me some time to go to the elders.  Once i thought I was pregnant I decided i should and when I did go,  I was repentant and scared.  Still mentally clinging to the ideal that the only people who could help me was the organization.  The moment I sat down for my judicial committee i learned I was wrong.  Earlier I said I would elaborate more on a judicial committee,  I am going to after a little back story.

The ripples never dissipate.

 After my mother had what she called her "Melt Down"  a lot changed.  My mother who had the most beautiful voice stopped singing.  Kingdom songs, Old Patsy Cline,  Show tunes.   My Father withdrew even more.   Us kids,  we kept going to school.   I started to pay attention to what was going on around us.   Especially at the Kingdom Hall.

 I watched the other fathers and mothers,  the other kids.    I saw wives defying their husbands,  children picking on each other.   I saw teen's flirting and coping a feel on each other and the parents are oblivious.   I saw the opposite of what we were told we were as a group.  And I saw born out of the lies,  my desire to seek the truth in everything.  Not just religion,  but in Music, folklore, Friendship,  sex,  relationships, Drinking, drugs,  I wanted to see what the big difference was.  Between these people,  and the ones in the "World".  

 I felt Numb,  like the energy was ripped out of me.   I kept up in school for the rest of my junior year and things changed there as well.  I started really relying on my friends And I told them I was not going to be a witness when I turned 18.  They said over and over that they would help me as much as they could.  So Much flew through my mind.  What clenched that they were true friends to me they never tried to PUSH their Religion on me.

 My Senior year,   By now I was smoking.    not just experimenting but hid them in my locker at school.  I had some friends  more than just Helen now and they were amazing.  The girl who gave my first cigarette told me as she handed it to me,

 "You will wish I had told you to fuck off when you asked for this in 10 years"  

  In hindsight, she was right.   Every one of my friends had paired off.  They had lovers and would relate their experience to me and others in our circle I felt like a idiot,  I had no one.   My sister however had decided it was her job to keep her eye on me.  She suspected me of smoking and learned where I went between classes trying to catch me,  She almost succeeded.   My friends were also a buzz with preparations for college.   SAT's  Applications and part time work to save for their life in college the next year.  I wasn't even allowed to take the SAT's.

"Why would you need to Lilith?  It wont get you into Bethel."   That was what they wanted for me.  To go to Bethel for school after I graduated, become a special Pioneer.  I wanted that once.  But now I didn't know, the future was scary for me.  

 Bethal is a WTBTS school for pioneers and anyone who wanted to make the Door to door ministry their life's work.   Some who I have spoke to who went said that going there did one of two things for a person.  Either it strengthened their belief in the Organization,  or it just left more question and uncertainty.   They were take in more in depth knowledge of the religions dogma and ideals.  Learn how to “sell” the “Truth” to people.  Basically become more effective Ministers of the good news.    

  Things get mixed around for me here..  Specifics about school,  not many.   I seemed to be the kid people talked to.  Confided in for a while..  I knew of pregnancies,  drug addiction,  abusive parents and many other kinds of teenage struggles.   I gave advice, and even then it was all based on what I learned in The Organization.  The book Young People Ask Answers That Work, was a big help.  It really did give good advice,   it helped me deal with a Problem I had.  It was the fact that it threw the religion in that  made it hard.  "Masturbation, How can I fight the Urge"  was a chapter that got a lot of Cackles in the classroom.  Other chapters on your relationship with Jehovah,  and plans for the future made me angry.   More seek Religious education,  forsake a secular education.  I told everyone who took one to ignore the scriptures and religious babble and read the real advice.  I didn't tell this to my mother however when she asked why I wanted 20 of them for school mates.  

  "Lil,  that's wonderful!  I can't wait to tell Brother Billings how wonderful you have been doing spreading the good news at school!"  

 All I could do is smile and tell her they were helping people.   A month later Brother Billings pulled me aside at the kingdom hall and said that he was doing a Talk at the next assembly about the youth who serve Jehovah with zeal. And he wanted to use me as an example.  Have me come up on stage and tell my experience in school with  the YPA book.  I really didn't want to, but my mother was so ecstatic puffed with pride so I said yes!  Another lesson I learned from my mother is that everything always comes out.  The truth will always present itself because it is constant.  My mother called it "God bringing things out to keep the congregation clean"  I use the phrase "Everything comes out in the wash"  Looking back now I see that this was the straw that not only broke my back,  but the one that shattered my mothers delusion that she could help me stay in 'The Truth'.     

  Cry for help?  Yeah I think that was part of it.   I Didn't want to do this.  I didn't want to be in this stupid assembly demonstration.  They didn't hear me when I said that.  They saw a way to solidify the proof that our family was solid and good.  Maybe they were.  My sister was a good little christian girl.  She even dressed like she was in school.  Still blond hair pulled back into  a nice lil bow and long down her back.  Modest floral dresses and slacks.  Pretty,  she was thinner and she kept her eye on me.  Following me around,  and I usually was good she never really caught me but one day I leaned into a stall in the bathroom took a drag on a smoke and heard,

"Lil what are you doing..?"  

 Lungs full of smoke I saw her rolled my eyes and walked right past her fast as I could and turned the corner blowing out the smoke in my lungs as she popped around after me.  "I saw that!  And I'm telling Mom."

"Whatever"  I replied.    

  She did tell mom,  but they didn't tell anyone else. They simply told Brother Billings I couldn't do the Demonstration and there were no questions asked.  I became a disappointment,  my father was disgusted,  told me that he might step down as an elder because he couldn't control his family.   Acted like I was a demon.   I withdrew from them even more.  One night before I went to sleep,  I stole a can of beer some whiskey and wine from the kitchen,  put it on my window ledge to chill overnight.  The next morning I woke and downed it all.  Now I have NO IDEA why i thought that was a good Idea. But soon I was out on the front porch mid winter drunk as shit and waiting for the bus. 

I  made to homeroom,  sitting in Mr Valvo's Classroom and this is the moment I realized I was wasted beyond keeping it quiet.  My friends tried to help  me keep it quiet but I had never drank before,  and I drank the equivalent of 5 drinks,  and not the best mix. Wasted,  and I could not control myself..  I remember little.  I know I hid in the bathrooms and finally after trying to find me for a couple hours,  I was found as I left the cafeteria.  I saw the Vice Principle as I came out the door and he saw me.  He told me to stop and I broke out in a Run heading down the Hall which was a decline and he caught me and the inertia sent us both to the ground.  Screaming that my parents would kill me and I hated  being at home.. 

  I remember being in the Nurses office under "guard" The Vice Principal had spoken to me.  Another person who had taken the time to TALK to me.  Hear me and told me he knew things at home had not been easy lately for me.  but that drinking was not the answer.   I was screaming at the nurse as my Mother appeared in the doorway.  I was  Naming the brothers by name.   Screaming I hated The Kingdom hall and they ruined my life.  I didn't wanna go home.   My mom Hit me on the way out with her purse again and again chanting over and over (or so it seemed)\

 "Shut up.. think of the reproach u r bringing on Jehovah's Organization those Brothers love you.  How Ungrateful you are!"

In the course of the morning I had freaked out several students,  given the whole school something to talk about.   I "Taken the Vice principal down” as he tried to apprehend me.   Also screaming about my home life and how much I hate it and wanting to be dead.   The rest is very blurry until my father wakes me up with his Steel toe shoe to my ass.  HARD I was in pain for days.  I was dropped off in the park the next day (I believe that time in my life is so Messed up and in pieces in my mind) My father said, as I Struggled to get my garbage bags full of my clothes and journals out of the back of the truck.  Eyes fixed on the Windshield same as the day he picked us up at the Doctors office when my mother left him.

"If you love your worldly friends so much.. Maybe they should take care of you"   And he drove away.   I admit I acted out and I will not make Excuses for that.  I am however curious as to HOW FAR a child can be pushed before lashing out like that is gonna be expected. 

 This began a very destructive period in my life.    I was made to go to a Alcohol counsellor and I fought to emancipate myself.   I was moved to a Home in Jamestown called the Agnes House.  A Old Victorian home that was Donated after the namesake died.  Basically a home for women running from Domestic abuse.   It was a very good place for me to be.  I enrolled in Jamestown schools and  went there for a month or so.    Again my search for feeling, anything, continued and to no avail.  Numerous men who really just wanted to fuck me.  I didn't want that,  I was still waiting for love,  and it wasn't happening at all.   It wasn't the right time, I know that now.  I did however remind me of how much it hurt to be so alone.  I believe it wasn't long, Like i said, this time in my life is also very hazy.   I lived at my friends house for a while before being shipped out to Jamestown.   The "house" was actually not so bad.  Everyone had Chore assignments, and the women there were of genuine Nature.    One English woman who had the most beautiful little girl.   We had many religious and familial debates.   Darlene..  She was the odd one there.  She had no kids and obviously had a drug problem.   I found her fascinating.   Was also the first time I saw a women naked in full form. She would throw the door to her room open in a drunken fit yelling at people to keep quiet.   She was the age I am now 35ish, Long dark hair, light blue eyes.   She was Beautiful and whether she admitted it or not I could SEE she was Fractured.  I had this strange ability have since I can remember to just know if someone is good.   I don't mean Good or Evil I mean 'OK" It has rarely failed me,  if it seemed to it was really that I simply ignored it.   She was not Good,  she was so angry and she was very lost.  Long conversations on the back porch while we were there together.  Smoking cigarettes and hearing her stories of life.   

  

 I Mentioned earlier,  that while I was in Jamestown there were nothing but men who wanted to "FUCK" me..  Well that's not entirely true.  There was one guy.  Who regardless of his Station in life and his Apparent rough and tumble presence,  was a good guy.  Austin..  Sexy Irish guy,  With Strawberry blonde hair and a attitude.   I met him on the bus on the way from Dunkirk to Jamestown.  He was sitting in the seat next to me.  Ha!  I used a Line..  "You look familiar to me?  Have we met?"  He grinned.  Was I that transparent?  More than Likely..

This guy was the the guy I decided for the first time I JUST WANT TO FUCK.  I wanna know what its like.   NEED TO KNOW!  We spoke for a while on the way and he said we could meet.  Since I was new to the City of Jamestown,  he said we would rendezvous at the Church which Conveniently was near the Agnes House where I was staying. 

  We Hung out almost every day.  This was my one of my first tastes of Pot.   I met him and we walked to his house.  Run down upper apt that if it had a woman's touch would actually be quite cute!  he had a couple friends over and we all hung out.  When he took the bag out I stiffened.  I wanted to know what being stoned was like and I WAS GETTING MY OPPORTUNITY.  He was a lot older than me.  I was 17 he was about 26 I think.   He rolled it up and taunted me..

  "I dunno..  I don't wanna corrupt a good lil christian girl"   That pissed me off.  "I can take it!!"  He passed it to me and I hit it and passed it on.  Nothing..  it came back around to me and He said " try taking a deeper hit Inhale deeply and hold it."   I did.  Nothing.  

  He laughed at me.  "really?  you don't feel nothing?"  He  laughed at me as I shook my head and told me to go grab a beer.  And they put on their Stereo.  I walked to the fridge and opened it up.  No food.   none not even milk.  However,  there were 3 cases of milwaukee's best on the shelves.   I giggled to myself and bent over grabbing a cold beer off the bottom shelf,   as I stood up I kept going.  Right back against the wall and realized they were watching me from the living room.   Laughter!  Surprisingly I was not embarrassed but started to laugh myself.  

"Now do you feel it?"

  I laughed and Nodded lazily opening the beer and getting sprayed by it since it fell with me onto the floor.   It was fun hanging with those guys.  they were not at all clean,  they lived in a Slum of a home and they had no money.  but they were fun..  I tried to get Austin to sleep with me.  One such time we were actually making out on his bed and he stopped.  this rough n tumble guy  sat me up and looked me square in the eye.  "I dunno if I wanna take someones Virginity..  you are so pretty."  we sat there in silence for a while his finger running along my chin and neck.  It felt so good to be touched like that.  But there was a confusing feeling.  Which at the time I attributed to my guilt feelings associated to the ORganization.  I got a little nauseous..  Sick to my tummy and i felt my chest tighten     "but I don't want to be the one who does that."   and he didn't.  He actually ended up pushing me away HARD and Meanly.  Even then I knew it was not because he didn't like me.  but he didn't trust himself.  Which was confirmed later.  He's cleaned up his life has a family and a good job.  I am glad he made it,  he was glad I did too.

  

  The nun who ran the house took me into the back room one morning after breakfast.  Now here is where I learned all religion is wrong JUST WRONG.   The woman called me into her office and sat me down.  She then begun asking me the same Questions the elders did.  She had info on me which meant my parents knew where I was.   She lectured me about sin and being repentant and tho I tried to tell her how I felt about being home. She kept going.  Although i hate to admit it now,  allot of what she said was right. My parents nipped my attempt to emancipate in the butt by telling the social services that I could come home anytime I wanted..  but said to me only if I do what is needed to get back to gods Organization..  eventually i gave up  and I went home.

  

  Of course the only way to get home was to "break" for the elders.  I used to lie to myself and my parents saying I was serious about going back.  Maybe on some level the first time I thought I was.  

  I went back to school in Dunkirk and my status changed just a little.   I still was a misfit but after my display the teachers and administration knew my home life was not good.  I got a bit more leeway and oddly enough just the smallest amount of respect.  I guess ya don't take out the vice Principle without gaining someone's respect right.    I spent the last half of the school year a bit isolated.   No one at the hall or my extended family would speak to me.   I had been disfellowshipped, the "Loving discipline" that the elders thought was merited for my transgressions.  This meant that I was shunned by everyone who was one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  Family friends the only friends I knew.

  They do that,  restrict you condition you to know and  to trust only their love.    So that when you start to question the religion all of that is held over your head.  That is what is held as the consequences of your actions.   You will lose it all.   Like I did earlier that year.  No one would help me but those evil people "In the world"  Part of me really wanted to get reinstated and stay that way.  but a bigger part just wanted to graduate get a job and move out.   All the other kids in the congregation really just ignored me.   I wasn't old enough for them or fashionable enough.  OR I was too old,  and the kids weren't any fun.  Some of them were even doing the same as me.  Living double lives they called it.  There were several talks about that even that Young People ask book had a chapter on it.  They ridiculed me right along with their own Worldly friends.    I would have been screwed had it not been for those friends I did make.  I lived vicariously through them.  Listened to their stories and enjoyed their lives.  

 Internally I was fighting a war.  They all knew it,  and really made sure I knew they were there for me.   Graduation came,  and it was me.  my mother and my sister.  Is it sad that I cannot remember if my father came or not?  I don't think he was there.   As I stood when they called my name to get my diploma,  people made sounds like a elephant were walking through the room mooing at me.  I kept walking fuck you all.   I made it here in spite of what's happened.   Then a couple of those friends.  I knew their voices, Cheering me on and drowning out even if only in my mind the others..    They were the best.

“You made it here Lilith!  after all of it you made it!”  Cheers and clapping drowning out the evil things being said by the rest.

Graduation,  Most kids were at down stairs getting their actual diploma in a  envelope and they were talking about their parties this summer.  graduation parties,  Yet another milestone that I would not be able to collect on my timeline.  No one would come.  I'm disfellowshipped so no Graduation Party for me.   So I went on to the next step in my life plan.  Get a job.  I had a couple in the past.  Worked at A Factory as a Box maker when I was 15.   A Grocery Store, when i was 16..  I was fired by the very large and very Guido owner who said he did so because I over rung a mans order by .99 cents.   He was having a bad day.   I got my first Real job at a mini mart / gas station in Dunkirk.

  This time in my life is very hard for me to relate,  to tell the story.   It wasn't my most shining moment.  It was however part of my trek, part of  my Journey to find myself.  Something started to change in me.  Emotionally and physically I was breaking down.  As long as I was going to the meetings my parents did whatever they could to help me.  My dad bought me a car.  He made the down payment and I made all the payments after that.  Now I felt special,  My dad was rewarding me for straightening my act up and finishing school..  He said that since we couldn't have a graduation party he would help me get my first car.  I was elated!  Until my sister decided to complain.  She felt it wasn't fair, my parents wouldn't tell me but I had heard her talking to them.   What a horrible person I was how evil I had been and I didn't deserve this.  She had been a good witness and daughter and she was not getting one.  So the special gift turned to a Well Ill do it for Sheryl too.  This is how it always was tho.  For some reason daddy just showered her with his attention and love.   Even before I went rebel on them.  I’d need pants for work and he would go on about responsibility and all Sheryl had to do was ask and it was hers.  It felt like a stab to the heart and it got worse after My "Melt Down"

  YES!  New  car  (well to me) and a job, which was OK for a while.   I seemed to have a way with people and I was enjoying it.  Money and people,  association!  Wasn't long after I was Reinstated in The Organization and had my family and friends back in my life.  It was so strange,  they announced it from the podium, and I sighed.  I felt that weight fall on my shoulders again and as people hugged me and welcomed me back I knew it wasn't for good.  I didn't want to be here.   I felt no connection to these people or this place.  Shortly after I was reinstated my cousin started dating a blue eyed blond brother who had a light around him I LOVED he was so special.  Always Positive energy and smiles fun and joy.  I was so Proud and happy for her to have found him.  She asked me to stand up for her in the wedding,  I was Ecstatic!  

 Now courtship in the organization is a odd situation.   No one was allowed to be alone with the opposite sex no matter what the age.  If ya were found to have spent time alone with a member of the opposite sex you were counselled on suspicion of Sexual Misconduct, or pornea.  So while you are dating you always have a chaperon.  Courtship is scrutinized for transgression and is carefully controlled.  If you seem to be moving too fast the Elders will tell you if moving to slow u are given the "piss on the pot of get off"  lecture.  As I watched my cousin and her man I saw problems.  I saw a woman who had not grown up,  To this day she still pines over boy bands and has a very naive ideal of the world.  Her Fiance, Greg, was a free spirit with a strong mind,  Still very young so he was also a bit immature but they were barely 20,  far too young to be married.  In the Organization however youth learn to latch on to what they have because there are so few choices.

Within The Organization  there are Rules to everything.  Courtship is no different.  You are to marry only "In the Lord"  really is the only Requirement a Listed.  But it hides so many semi hidden laws concerning what that means.  First you have to be a member in good standing, Baptized and active in the Ministry and at meetings.  If not then the Organization does not accept your union, and they urge family members "Quit Mixing" with family that does not meet the above standards.  So you have youth, desperate to find love,  so few youth in the area who meet those standards,  and family that will not accept any other options.  You LATCH on,  regardless the incompatibility issues Marriages happen in The Organization very quickly  and because of the Pornea issues.   Sexual attraction wins out,  and couples marry who never should.   

I saw this in them,  they liked each other, but I saw in his eyes the realization that he had married an eternal child, and in hers the annoyance with a guy whose light hearted attitude made it hard for her see him take anything seriously.  I asked them both privately if they were sure about it.  Brief conversations,  They were just happy to have each other.   

   Shortly after she asked me to stand up my parents spoke to me.  Well my Mother spoke to me about it.  She asked me if she thought I should be involved in such a Divine Union being so "weak" spiritually.  She thought maybe I should back out and let my sister do it.  Tho I have no real proof of her treating this as she did the car.  I know in my gut she did.  So I told my cousin I would not feel right being part of the wedding party and my sister took over.  My being overweight was even used as a possible reason to not do it.  It broke my heart and it made me work even harder to find acceptance in my life and the only place I was finding it was "In the World"

  Incidentally, and on a side note.  even though I am skipping ahead years and years, I will say this.  My cousin's marriage didn't last, and in researching and talking to other friends and family who have since "left" The Organization, not one of the marriages that happened with the kids my age inside have lasted, all are ended and at least one or the other spouse is no longer a Witness.   What a blessed Wisdom they have when it comes to family,  love, and life.

(Canned Applause)